musings of a lover… of … yes… that, too…

Getting up…

*this post has been in the making sometime, at least six weeks…

Love doesn’t mean that you never cry. Good thing. One night, I couldn’t cry for a long time. Maybe I should say, I didn’t cry. I was afraid of my own tears. Afraid I might start crying and never stop.

But I awakened one morning not long ago in prayer and meditation after a “dark night of the soul.” I am glad for passage over the rough and narrow terrain of a trail strewn with tears and regrets. I thought about the notion that ‘what doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger.’ I don’t agree. My lungs are compromised from a battle I lost many years ago with bronchitis. It left me weaker, more susceptible to colds, prone to asthma attacks, bronchitis, and pneumonia. Cold air and allergies pack more punch than before the compromise. I had to learn new ways of being in the world because it didn’t leave me stronger. I do think the battle left me wiser. I pay attention to my body more. I (usually) can see “it” coming re: attacks on my lungs and either head it off or minimize the impact.

I hope that night’s journey through the birth canal of pain will leave me wiser because I don’t imagine it will leave me stronger. You may be tempted to tell me not to feel this way, or that I will be stronger, that I will survive, yada yada yada… please don’t. I am getting up from a bed of grief, but I AM getting up. Humans do it everyday. Get up, even when getting up seems futile…. Even when there is no energy they can muster. Humans get up. I am human. I enter this day with the FIRM assurance that “many waters cannot quench LOVE, neither can the floods drown it.” The human project continues. I AM in it with you! Love. Loved. Loving. Getting up… and grateful, even so…

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